Illustration: QUANG DINH
When getting married, very few people think about divorce. However, the reality is that the divorce rate is increasing, and importantly, most people feel better after divorce.
Is it because marriage is completely different from what they previously thought?
I was married for 2 years. I was 30 years old, had just ended a relationship of almost 10 years, and thought I could never love anyone again. Then she appeared and a few months later we were married.
At that time, I just thought I had nothing to lose. Getting married was good, as it would complete the step of "putting the family in order" so that I could focus on "governing the country and bringing peace to the world".
But I was wrong. Marriage goes the way it came. The happy marriage is fleeting, the rest is bumpy, clinging and inevitably ending.
The Dreamy Stage of Marriage
I currently have a side hustle of listening to other people's stories. I am not a counselor or a healer, I simply listen to people who need to confide.
Through this work, I have come to know that there are many young people who also go through an ambiguous stage of marriage like me.
It's like at some point, people are pushed to the threshold of marriage and they just go in. It's simply time to get married, if not this person, then who.
Entering the dream is disillusioned. Some people get married in a few months, a year, some only in a few weeks, before they can register their marriage, "each goes home".
"In the past, people divorced because they could no longer live together. Nowadays, people divorce because they think they can be happier." This is the conclusion of my teacher - a person who has researched the topic of divorce and adultery in Vietnam.
The visible phenomenon is that most people feel better after divorce. But what is invisible is the wound inside each person. People need a lot of time to recover from it, to be less afraid of marriage and to be able to love again.
Divorce should only be done after all efforts have been made.
For those who come to me with unstable relationships, I never advise anyone to divorce, but always find ways to help them improve their relationship or at least help them feel okay during that unstable period.
Some people listened to me, persevered, changed themselves, and their relationships with their husbands and wives improved little by little.
Some people simply endure and ignore it, while others get divorced.
Just like how doctors come out of the emergency room and say "We tried our best", I believe that divorce is a right, but should be a last resort after "trying our best".
For those who are having problems in their marriage, I often listen to their stories, listen to them talk about their frustrations, pain, unfulfilled desires..., listen to them accuse their husbands, their husbands' families... That is a step to look back at the problem.
Then I ask them what is the worst and best thing about their husband, and some open-ended questions to help them see the bigger picture, sometimes seeing valuable things in the relationship that they had previously overlooked because they were so focused on the problem.
Finally, I ask them what they really want from the relationship. Regardless of the current situation and the factors involved, what do you really want?
If they want to save their marriage, I will work with them to find some breakthroughs, changes, or ways to endure. Some people come here and realize that the problems they have are not so big.
For those who still want to "free themselves" by divorce, I know I "tried my best".
Marriage or divorce: Both people need to be present
Marriage is a covenant in which we commit to bind our lives to another person. Try to fulfill that covenant - Photo: QUANG DINH
My teacher also said that to save a marriage, two conditions are needed: the man is willing to change and the woman is willing to wait for that change to happen!
In the above quote, the man and woman can switch places. The one who needs change accepts the change, while the other patiently waits for the change to happen.
Another important factor here is the presence of two people. If one person accepts change and the other cannot wait, or one person waits forever and the other does not change, then happiness cannot be achieved but will only get worse. At that time, marriage is truly the grave of love. In that grave, flowers of adultery or poisonous mushrooms filled with indifference will grow.
Marriage is a covenant in which we commit ourselves to another person for the rest of our lives, to be there for each other through thick and thin, for richer and poorer. Do your best to fulfill that covenant.
If you have "tried your best" and waited long enough but the situation has not improved, and you do not see any cooperation from the other side, then take the last option, exercise your "right to divorce". After all, tomorrow is a new day and everything will pass.
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